Posted by: Mike Ring | March 11, 2010

a banana surprise

A couple of weeks ago after a long night of teaching, I walked to my car, opened the door and was hit in the face with the stench of an old crusty banana peel I had left in the cup holder before class. I am not sure why I didn’t just take it with me to dispose of like a non-idiot, but I didn’t so you can judge me however you see fit. I needed to get rid of it so I flicked it into a pile of snow where it would happily compost and one day be food for some grass that would be eaten by a chipmunk who in turn would be eaten by a college student. I crawled into my car and then looked over at the banana peel — I decided it was too close to the parking lot and that I should go out and chuck it farther into the woods. This was kind of annoying because I had to walk about three feet into the very large snow pile to get the thing, but since I was oddly concerned about it, I did it anyway. I picked it up and chucked it about 9000 feet into the air because I have superhuman banana peel throwing skills. When it finally landed, I started to walk away but then noticed a black thing sticking out of the snow where the peel had once been. I bent down for a look, and holy shit balls Batman it was an iPod Touch. I was all like, “damn” and it was all like, “I am sad… I am in a snow drift and since I am an electrical gadget… that is not good… I am probably broken.” I took it home and dried it out for about a week and then plugged it in to see what happened. It sprang to life! It said, “Thank you for rescuing me, I was so cold and nobody would pick me up.” I said “Shut up iPod, I am on the phone.” Anyway, I poked around on it a little and found an email address of who I assumed was the owner. I sent an email telling them I found their iPod and they should probably get it. After about a week of nothingness I thought that the poor little iPod had just been abandoned and nobody loved it and never would. Then, a little message from a thirteen year old boy came to my inbox “Oh thank you sooooooo much…..” He was so happy, he thought his little iPod was gone forever. Since he was too young to legally drive, he alerted his father who came to my class to retrieve it. Apparently the iPod had been gone for about a month so he had given up hope and was so excited when he got the email.

So the moral to the story is this: If you flick a banana peel into a snow hill, there will always be an iPod under it, unless you are an asshole.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 26, 2010

how did the toaster become such an invaluable appliance?

I have a shitty old toaster that doesn’t work correctly and never has. It ignores what level you tell it to toast at, doesn’t toast evenly, and sometimes doesn’t toast at all, but I have become attached to it so I will keep it until it tries to kill me in my sleep. This morning it was being an asshole and it made me think, how did the toaster get so popular? I mean all the fucking thing does is make bread slightly burned on the surface. Do we really need an entire appliance dedicated to this one function? Then I looked around and saw that these single-use appliances are everywhere. My coffee maker only makes coffee, my can opener only opens cans and my toilet only…you get the point. Can’t we start inventing more products that combine some of these tasks so we don’t have so many damn things? I would love something that made toast, opened cans, made coffee, cooked chili, washed dishes, played music and flushed away human waste—wouldn’t you? This would be perfect for prisons and elementary schools. Why the hell can’t my keyboard take my pulse? My washing machine should be able to make candy, and my doorbell should identify people trying to sell me windows and punch them in the fucking face.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 25, 2010

something that I am terrible at — cake decorating

If I were a bigger hack or was a guest on NPR’s ‘The Splendid Table’, I would start out this blog entry with the following; There are many things in this world that I am bad at, but this one takes the cake. Hyyyyyyyyyuck hyuck get it, takes the cake?  Ugh…

So anyway, yeah I am not good with this skill.  I made this cake yesterday for my wife’s birthday and luckily she has a good sense of humor. I had envisioned something much different — a white cake with buttercream frosting adorned with shockingly accurate chocolate renderings of our pets. From the first squirt of the frosting tube/gun/bag thing, I realized I was fucked. Any normal person would have stopped after discovering such a flaw in their abilities and moved in a new direction, but no I just kept going with it, making it more unappetizing with every stroke. I think the dog on the left, Tildy, turned out the best, but it really doesn’t look anything like her. The real Tildy has a standard issue dog nose that is on the end of a muzzle, and she also doesn’t have a brown booger hanging out of one of her eyes — if she did I certainly would have edited it out. My cat doesn’t have a turd in her mouth and ropes coming out of her face, and my other dog, Griffin, doesn’t look like an unpopular Muppet that is only used when they need extras to bop around in the background during a fight scene or something. Has there ever been a fight scene in the Muppets? I think that would be fun to watch, especially if they rigged them to squirt blood like in a Monty Python skit. I bet the fake blood would ruin their fake fur though, and we don’t need to go through the rest of our lives watching stained Muppets — that just doesn’t seem appealing.

On a positive note, this cake tasted really good.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 23, 2010

thank God for diagrams

burrito wraps

So I cooked up some spicy ground meat with the intention of turning it into a burrito. I pulled a package of wraps out of the fridge, and to my horror they were completely flat!!! Burritos are supposed to be cylindrical—what the fuck was I to do???? At that moment, like a beacon of light directed from God himself, this highly informative step-by-step set of instructions came to my rescue. Apparently these things can be manipulated into tubes by first placing some filling in the center, folding the bottom of the wrap, then folding the left side of the wrap and finally wrapping the whole thing to the right. AMAZING, and if you are confused by what you are supposed to do next, it helps out with that as well—enjoy the great taste of the delicious wrap! I still haven’t figured out if that means you actually eat it, or if you just lick it, because in the drawing the entire thing still seems to be intact, and in all of the other pictures the steps are shown in their completed states.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 22, 2010

25 weeks in review

Thursday marks 25 weeks since I was axed and I think it is time to look back again and review what I have learned. 1. Corn flakes come in a box, a bag, or in bulk 2. Most people around here don’t shovel their sidewalks. I think they like watching little kids dodge traffic while they walk to school — maybe they have made a drinking game out of it? 3. I don’t need a real job. If you treat people with respect instead of pissing them off by acting like a know-it-all douche bag, you will be rewarded when it counts. 4. Jimmy cracked corn and nobody gives a fuck. 5. It is really hard to be funny during the month of February 6. Watching ice dancing is more fun than getting mugged, but not by much. 7. It doesn’t matter how cold it is outside, popsicles are always good. 8. Sarah Palin is the most dangerous person on earth. 9. As far as I can tell, there isn’t an Olympic sport that doesn’t make use of ice or snow—seems like you could do something with just the cold. Sub-zero pole vaulting in a speedo maybe? 10. If you talk shit about me, make sure the person you are talking to likes you better. 11. If you get lazy about your blog and don’t keep it up to date, people get annoyed with you. 12. Dogs think it is fun to poop on frozen hills and watch it roll past them. They also like watching you chase it.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 17, 2010

this is the best website ever — build your own safety sign

Have you ever had the need for a safety sign, but after hours and hours of searching at your local Safety Sign Megastore and Emporium, you just feel like nobody gets you or has ever needed to be warned of the impending doom that plagues you and your community on a daily basis? Well, look no further! Just click this link >> Sign Builder << and your worries will be over. You can make a safety sign for just about anything.

Are you constantly worried that someone might think it is okay to pass gas while they are carrying something of yours? WORRY NO MORE.

If you are concerned that someone might think you have a problem with footwear that doesn’t match. Then you could display this sign to dispel their assumptions.

Do you have an annoying coworker who complains to you all day and doesn’t actually do any fucking work but never seems to get noticed by people who can do something about them?

Is there a lot of racial tension in your office?

Now go have fun.

Special thanks to G Stein for finding this site.

Hey guess what??? It is going to snow again and now we are totally and utterly fucked. There is no hope, the deadly snowmotherfuckinmen have got us where they want us, and tonight — in our weakened state from too much shoveling — they will enslave us and drag our sorry asses to the North Pole and force us to make toys. Yep, this is all Santa’s doing. He has finally gone mad, and he is seeking vengeance. “Why is he so pissed?” you may ask? Well, nobody ever thought of buying Santa something pretty for Christmas did they? He noticed and his feelings are hurt and he is kind of a dick, so instead of just saying something he is trying to bury us in snow to weed out the weak and will take the survivors up to his compound to punish for eternity. Oh yeah, forgot that part, he is going to make us all immortal so we can’t even wish for death. What a fucking jerk this guy is. I mean, we bake for him, we decorate all nice, we build big plastic light-up statues of him. You would think that would be enough. What the hell would we buy him anyway? He certainly doesn’t need any new lawn equipment. Oh well, I call dibs in the tiny wooden train department…you all can make dolls. I guess he forgot about Jesus.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 4, 2010

if you survived hellstorm 1 then…

Just when you thought it was safe to no longer own a shovel, Hellstorm returns and this time it means business. Learning from the mistakes it made in December, it has gained new energy, most of which is coming from Texas — and if anybody knows anything about Texas, their moisture is much more pissed off than that of any other state. Forecasters are predicting anywhere from 2 to 187 inches of snow, but not just any snow — evil death snow that kills you on contact, brings you back to life, and then kills you again. Deadly evil snowmen will also make a triumphant return and break into our cars, secretly replacing our gas pedals with faulty ones made by Toyota — unless you have an affected vehicle then they will go ahead and make the repair and not tell you so when you take it to the dealership you are really just wasting your time sitting in the waiting room pretending the coffee that comes out of that free machine doesn’t taste like someone pissed in it — fuckers.

Posted by: Mike Ring | February 1, 2010

facebook advertisers know that your grandpa is a pervert

Any jerk with a couple of bucks can advertise on Facebook now. I keep getting ads like this that seem to be targeting lonely, older,  bi-sexual men who can’t afford gas. I wasn’t sure why, then realized I have my birth year set to 1910 because that is clever and witty and nobody has ever thought to do it before.  Most of these people use the “sex sells” rule of advertising and apply it to just about anything, even when it makes absolutely no sense.

Here are a few examples that just seem a little off.

Posted by: Mike Ring | January 26, 2010

holy shit, I have a blog?

It has been a while since my last post, and some of you probably wondered where the hell I went, some of you don’t care, and some of you don’t read this nonsense anyway so like whatever.

Don’t worry, I didn’t go out and get some job. I am doing a lot of freelance, but I don’t that think makes me fraudulent in my claim to be no job mike. Or does it? You can decide that for yourself, then not tell me about it because I don’t really want to hear it.

ANYWHO… more importantly I have been using my free time to develop an animated series that will launch sometime soon. Go to www.peterwagon.com and sit and wait and don’t do anything else until I post something so you can be sure to be the first person to say how bad it sucks. There will also be other cartoons featured on this site from other collaborators so maybe you will like one of those.

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