Posted by: Mike Ring | February 15, 2011

Oh hum

Have you ever had one of those days? You know, when you wake up, make some breakfast, take a shower, put on some cloths, go to work, go to open a letter and get a paper cut that gets infected and you wind up in the hospital having your arm removed? Well, I hope you never have because that would be just terrible. Could you imagine having to tell that story in a bar? “How did you loser your arm Philip?” “I lost it to an envelope.” You would probably get beaten up a lot  just because nobody would understand, and since you hang out in shitty bars, that is the type of person you are probably going to end up talking to. You had a lot going for you before the envelope incident. Now you can’t go near a post office without wetting your pants. Forget the Publisher’s Clearing House,  you sure as hell aren’t going to win that if you can’t be around the entry form. Having a deep fear of paper is probably the stupidest and most agonizing of all phobias. How the hell do you get away from all forms of paper? How do you wipe after using the toilet? How do you make paper dolls? Well, you can’t because you are a fucking mess. I think they make a drug for you, but unfortunately the bottle has a paper sticker on it that keeps you from opening it. There it is, sitting, starting you in the face, your cure, your one and only shot, but the very thing that it is there to cure is keeping you from it. I have no idea what to write next. Do you like cats? I like them, although I haven’t always. I used to be very allergic but now I seem not to be. I have a cat now and she meows and poops a lot.

I probably shouldn’t have posted this nonsense.



  1. Your posts always make me laugh! And….they’re NOT on paper!

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