Posted by: Mike Ring | December 20, 2010

The person who invented bread was a genius.

I love bread, who invented it? It is so damn tasty and we don’t often appreciate where the hell it came from. In fact, nobody really knows. The poor person who invented bread is forever lost in history yet everyone knows who invented the cotton gin, and who the hell gives a crap about that? I bet the person who invented bread was very nice and enjoyed playing prehistoric board games with her neighbor, who was also her sister, and her cousin. They did a lot of inbreeding in those days. Let’s give this person a name — Bertha Butterbutt. That is probably not right, because Bertha as a name wasn’t all that popular 12,000 years ago. Bertha was the wife of a seal clubber and lived in a little cave in upstate Porgangio. She often toiled in her rock kitchen with rock cooking utensils and her rock oven and was experimenting one morning with smashing up grain with a stick. She smashed it, ground it up, stepped on it, threw it around, snorted it and blew in it, yet it never turned into anything but powder. She finally got so fed up that she broke down over her big bowl of pummeled grain and cried and cried and cried. When she realized she’d gotten it all wet with tears, she dumped it on a pile of rocks and went over to her sister’s cave to play Boggle (invented by an idiot who liked to eat rocks and poop them out.) Afternoon quickly came and the day turned out to be a scorcher. Bertha decided she needed to go get some water to cool off her pet pickle. As she reached under her rock sink she was hit by a delicious smell coming from the rock pile. She quickly ran over and saw the wet grain had turned into a tan crusty new thing. She picked it up, tasted it and said, “OH MY GOD, I JUST INVENTED FUCKING BREAD… and also the use of ‘fucking’ as an adjective.” Her sister came rushing over and they invented the bake sale. There you have it, bread was invented by accident with flour and tears. Doesn’t that make you want to go cry into some flour right now?

For you smart asses who are now saying, “This guy doesn’t know anything about bread —you need yeast, where is the yeast? I see no yeast.” Well, yeast wasn’t introduced until 8,000 years later by the Egyptians. That story is very disturbing and involves an old sweat sock.



  1. You are so funny. I didn’t forget to laugh either.

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