I usually title my posts before I start writing them. I am not completely sure why. Sometimes it is for inspiration, other times it is because I feel like it, and occasionally it is because I was run down by a monkey wearing a popcorn bag on his head yelling “FUCK THE POLICE” and flinging shit while riding a tuna. I hate it when that happens, and unfortunately it happens a lot.
I miss writing in my blog. This time it was actually because I have been busy — the last time was pure laziness. A lot has happened, I would tell you all about it , but your response would be, “Boy, I really don’t give a damn that you did that, I’ve got my own shit to worry about. Stop thinking I want to know this shit, GOD!” Instead, I will tell you the story of King Ferdinand.
Ferdinand was King of Stanstanistan for only 1 short year, 215BC, actually it was the same length as any other year, minus leap year, but I describe it as short because it really flew by. Ferdinand’s rise to power was certainly unorthodox, even for a stupid country like Stanstanistan. One day he was shoveling shit for the local shittery, and the next day he was King. You see, back then you didn’t have to be born of royal blood to have a shot at the throne, all you had to do was drink a gallon of milk in an hour, or be able to make a really tasty gumbo. Well Ferdinand could do neither of those things, but he sure could play a mean hambone. He was the inventor of the hambone in fact. He discovered the technique by accident one day when he was bombarded by flies — typical for a shit shoveler — and he just started slapping away. The result was something rhythmic and the shit shoveler next to him started to dance. It quickly spread though the shit fields and pretty soon everyone was dancing and clapping right along with him. The next day the sitting king, King Everyonehatesme, died of a heroin overdose and since nobody else had done anything interesting, they declared Ferdinand as King. Within days, Ferdinand’s fame and fortune went to straight his head and he spent all of the country’s money on solid gold mechanical pony, and used up the yearly food reserves at a pool party/baking contest for his old high school friends. With no money and no food, Stanstanistan quickly spiraled into a deep depression. After 4 months, 78% of the population had moved to Canadastan, and those who were left behind started to plan an overthrow. Being that all the smart people had moved, the plan they devised was pretty lame. Late one night, two men snuck into the King’s chambers armed with pillows. They slowly crept up to Ferdinand’s bed and right before they lurched, both of them were decapitated by the guardsmen they forgot to kill on the way in. With no brainpower left in the population, and no more pillows, the people gave up and pooled their money to buy a boat and crossed the river to Richassistan where they all got free admission to the zoo, and a nice snack. The next day Stanstanistan was invaded by Fuckoffistan and Ferdinand was put on a small rowboat and set out to sea with only a can of clams and no way to open it. He was never heard from again.