Posted by: Mike Ring | January 1, 2010

Happy New Year

2010, YAY, I didn’t get laid-off yet this year! WOOO HOOO! I guess I still have time. Oh well, here is a chronological list of the important things that happened over the last decade all crammed into one paragraph.

Y2K hits and nothing happens, nothing at all. You couldn’t go wrong investing in a new on-line company, then suddenly you could. Microsoft sucks for being too big so they got sued — turns out it just made them suck even more. The U.S. did not participate in a World’s Fair for the first time since 1851 because we forgot about it and nobody really gives a shit about corn dogs anymore anyway. Montgomery ward goes belly up after being made fun of for 20 years. George Bush becomes president after eating a baby and pretending he won Florida. One of our planes ran into a Chinese plane and they were kind of pissed. Tiger woods became first dude to hold all four major golf titles at the same time and gets a bunch of money — later something else happened and it turns out he is a fuck nut. September 11 happened and there is no joke for that. George Bush opens the 02 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City because nobody else had time or something. The terror threat changed colors a lot. People start stealing music like fucking crazy on the Internet and Metallica gets all pissed about it. We invade Iraq and then pretty quickly Dick Face puts on a flight jacket and says we won. Big Tsunami, no joke there either. Deep throat comes out to the public and his voice is actually kind of high. Myspace is launched, and soon millions of teens have terrible looking websites. Lance Arm Strong rode a bike really fast for the 7th time. Katrina happened, and showed us how bad our administration was yet again. iTunes boasts 1 billion downloads marked with a countdown with a very disappointing conclusion. More War shit. We found out that baseball players really like to take drugs in the ass. It turns out Wall Street might be a little greedy. Michael Phelps wins a bunch of medals and then smokes pot. Our economy goes to shit and Bush hits an all time record for sucking — according to polls. Obama wins election and has a lot of work to do. The Republicans start tea bagging, and nobody has yet to tell them the joke. Pigs get blamed for making us throw up even though they had nothing to do with it. Mike gets laid-off and starts this blog. Some idiot makes a balloon and pretends his kid is in it. Feuds everywhere break out over vampires and werewolves and which one is hotter. 80’s fashion threatens to make a comeback for the entire decade and then finally does.

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Responses

  1. You nailed it, fella.

  2. Yep.

  3. That.
    Was.
    Sofa.
    King.
    Awesome.

  4. I remember the big iTunes fail of ’09. In fact as I recall, we counted down the last few downloads till destruction and took simultaneous shits on the floor when the payoff was as big as a joke on According to Jim. The cleaning people sure had a hell of a time that night. Thanks christ for my earth-toned wardrobe.


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