Posted by: Mike Ring | December 25, 2009

santa is really tired

Santa needs everyone to shut up today because he just spent the night traveling at light speed with a stand-in gift elf named Pete and now he has a headache. Pete was new, a little slow and never learned how to read, so Santa had to keep double-checking his work. His trip was made worse this year because another little annoying little elf named Bixby accidentally fed the reindeer pork n’ beans instead of grain which had a negative affect on their digestive systems and caused them to have uncontrollable bowel movements in flight — so Santa’s beard is a little black and your gifts might have a slight “organic” smell to them. It is nothing to fret about though, because flying reindeer shit is sterile — thank God right? To the people in Iowa, you may want to check your property for little elf bits, because that is reportedly where Santa decided Pete was becoming a liability. No, Santa did not murder him — I mean he is Santa for fuck’s sake  — he dropped him out of the sleigh with a parachute but on the way down got sucked into an engine of a passing 777 so didn’t quite make it to safety. So sad — well only kind of sad — Pete had a bad habit of molesting the wildlife of the North Pole so maybe he had it coming.

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Responses

  1. Hmmm – I’m thinking they might NOT make a movie of this, MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET, A CHRISTMAS CAROL, ELF. Of course there’s BAD SANTA.

    Merry Christmas nojobmike. You’ve done a great job this year so you can rest on you laurels.


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