Posted by: Mike Ring | December 18, 2009


Starting Tonight, in the Mid-Atlantic, we are going to see things that will make us tremble with fear. Deadly ice formations will be falling from the sky killing everything they touch. We will be trapped in our houses for months and nobody will have any toilet paper or milk to get them through so we will be forced to eat our furniture and wipe with our good towels. Deadly evil snowmen will emerge after a transformer explodes and gives them life to steal our shovels so they can dig out our cars, but not enough for us to get them out. It will never get over 32ºF ever again so it will never melt and society as we know it will never be the same. We will have to break our country apart into small neighborhood unions in order to survive. My neighborhood will have a public health care system and we will all get free bacon. The country next to us is going to be terrible and we will probably have to invade it because we will need their mall so we can shop at the Gap. Either that or the local news is overdoing it a bit.



  1. I wasn’t too worried about this storm but now I’m terrified.

    • As you should be!!!!!

  2. No doubt we’ll have to eat each other.

  3. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? I’m fucked. Our new couch is actually being delivered tomorrow morning AND we just bought new towels last month. Thanks A LOT for this realization. I gotta go saw off some shotgun barrels and prepare.

    Should we leave any sort of juice and cookies for the snowhell goons? I really hate going to the store on such short notice.

    • they like to lick lemon lollypops

  4. I plan to abandon my car in the middle lane of 270 tonight and walk home (uphill both ways).

  5. If you survive this ordeal, and Baconopoulis eventually crawls back out of the dark ages…you quite possibly have the makings of an award winning (extra bacon rations) worthy film here.

    • Hmmmmmm, I think you are right. I could force everyone to watch or take away their right to grow vegetables.

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