Happy Monday! I bet most of you are feeling sluggish and lazy, so I thought I would give you some inspiration to help you through your day — and your last full week of work for the year (well for most of you anyway).
It’s okay to cry over spilled milk if you got on the toaster and it electrocuted your cousin.
If you throw a frog at a tree, it will stop breathing.
If I have a knife, and you have some cheese, we can make snacks.
If you happen to find Jesus, ask him why he keeps getting lost.
Some people think you a are jerk and make fun of you behind your back — sometimes they even punch you in the face and take your wallet — these people are not your friends.
If you question authority, do they ever have a good answer?
If you have enough friends, you don’t need enemies.
Short people need to pay more attention than tall people while carrying umbrellas.
When work gets you down, just be thankful you are not a crackwhore, unless you are a crackwhore.
When you have a kid, tell everyone it is stupid so they can be surprised when it learns to read.
Never call someone’s kid an “it”.
The best way to lose friends is to shit on their porches.
If your arm is suddenly missing, you probably just got attacked by a shark.
It is funny to watch a homophobe eat a pickle.
If you smash a lamp over your friends head, it will be harder for you to see at night.
Those who think Oasis is the best band ever are obviously unaware that there has been other music made by other people.
If you pop a wheelie on your motorcycle in a school zone and run over a crossing guard, it doesn’t make you cool.