For those of you who don’t know what the hell I am talking about, go here. https://nojobmike.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/a-new-hobby/
So I finally spent enough money at Food Lion to get the 40 stamps required to earn my fancy new 7.8″ non-stick hard anodized aluminum fry pan with Kung Fu grip made by Thomas (Rosenthal Group). Was it worth the pain and torture of actually spending enough time at the shittiest place on earth to rack up $400 worth of groceries — probably not, but I did it anyway, and it made some pretty fine eggs this morning. As always, the trip was full of adventure. When I walked through the front door, I grabbed my little shopping basket (I don’t get a cart here because I am too tempted to run people over with it). The manger was there to greet me with “welcometofoodlioncanIhelpyoufindsomething?” After finally deciphering what he said, I realized his offer was insincere because he didn’t actually stop for a response or even make eye contact with me, so my plea for help with finding the condom and adult diaper section went unnoticed. I ran through the store grabbing the few items I came for, then made my way up to the cookware display. I had the power to take one free pan so you better believe I was going to go through every single one to make sure I get the best one they had. When I found it I held it up over my head like He-Man, did a little dance and went up to the checkout. I am not sure if the cashier had a cold or a really bad coke addiction, but for my sake I was hoping it was the latter — sniff sniff snort snort, fucking gross. She rang my stuff up and of course was confused by the pan. She looked at it for about 80 minutes then went to get her manager (the same guy who greeted me at the door). He comes over and has a little flipbook full of bar codes. He thumbs through it trying to find the page with my pan on it and keeps missing it. I see him flip past it four times and right before I grab it from him and find it myself he figures it out. I pay, get my bags and run the fuck out of there. I get outside and suck in some air because I was trying to hold my breath the whole time so I didn’t contract SARS, or whatever disgusting unnatural ailment that lady had. YAY NEW PAN!